What am I hanging onto? I’ve been asking myself that a lot this last week. The situation is obviously less than ideal. If I were giving advice to anyone else I would tell them to walk and they deserve so much better. Realizing that this relationship isn’t optimal, why do I continue to prolong the inevitable? If I am so unhappy, what am I waiting for? Why should I spend anymore time letting his actions, or lack of, bother me so much? Why should I continue to wait around in hoping that someone who isn’t even fighting for me will change?
Fear. Yes, jealously’s ugly sister, Fear.
I’m afraid of being forgettable. I’m afraid that he’ll carry on with his normal day-to-day life as if I were never a part of it. I’m afraid that he’ll never realize I should have meant so much more than his own agenda. That I’ll never have meant as much to him as he meant to me. I’m afraid to acknowledge all the time I spent waiting was a waste. I’m afraid that I loved him more than he ever loved me. I’m afraid that I’ll never be worth it, never be enough, always be an issue of convenience.
I’m not okay admitting to myself that love just wasn’t enough. I had love. A lot of love. I loved deeply and honestly. I fought when many would have given up. I stayed when many would have turned around and walked away. I’m actually surprised with how much I managed to ignore. I’m surprised how many times I talked myself out of feelings, making up excuses. I’m tired of telling myself “I’m happy here” when I’m definitely not.
I’m tired of holding on. So after coming to all of these realizations…why am I still unable to let go? There’s no more chances. This is over and while I don’t want it to be, what other option is there? Unless he’s willing to fight for me, I see no future for us. And unfortunately for me, he doesn’t seem like the fighting type.