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Effort

Posted by Marko on May 19, 2020 in Off Topic |

This weekend has been full of ups and downs. The news I received Thursday night has pretty much left me shocked, worried, happy and heartbroken. Can I roll those all into one? I’m doing it anyway. I have been trying to pace myself and control tears by telling myself that “hey, my relationship isn’t over yet. Don’t freak out.” But it doesn’t help that I can feel this incredible distance growing between us and I’m feeling more and more pushed away.

To be very honest, I don’t think it’s fair at all that he continues to push me away after dropping this bomb on me. I understand it’s a difficult decision, but what the eff? It’s not just affecting him. Be my boyfriend and support me as well. If he chooses to leave, I will support him. I won’t be happy, but I’d support him because I love him. I need that support, too.

There is definitely an overwhelming feeling of awkwardness hanging over us right now. At least I feel it. Add to that an abundance of questions….well you get a pretty worried Jenn. Where do we stand? Is he going or is he staying? Could he really end this? If he goes is there any chance of maintaining this relationship? Am I not worth staying for? Why is this decision taking so long? Why won’t he talk to me about it? Is he pushing me away? How can he shut down so easily? Etc…

I have become a waste of energy this weekend. I sit up in my room, alternating between the computer and my bed. Honestly it took a great deal of effort to move yesterday and if it weren’t for the Blogger Meet-up, I probably wouldn’t have showered. I tried my best to put on a happy face for the meet-up. I cried in the car on the way there hoping to get it out because I knew someone was going to bring up Iceland. It’s hard to talk about it while I still know very little. I had a good time though. I felt a bit socially awkward because I didn’t know what to talk about. All I wanted to do was vent about this..but I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer. I must say that I’ve received a tremendous amount of support from fellow bloggers and it feels really great to know there’s people willing to listen or offer advice/support/strength/personal stories. I appreciate all of the emails and hugs.

My grandmother bought me some “happy” flowers this morning. She told me they were smiling at me. I’m trying to smile back. At times, I’m fine and hopeful. A smile breaks and I remember that I’m awesome, I have a few very big educational and career moves ahead of me and that my heart is resiliant. I am strong and regardless of what happens, I’ll survive. I just might smell for a while haha.

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